I won't give up my Pink Panthers

My friend Jordan told me, "If you feel that you need to write a column defending your sexuality, you're only going to make people think you're gay."

But that's a chance I'm willing to take.

And that's not a new problem for me, either. I have people accuse me of being gay all the time. Usually my friends, but also a couple of teachers, people at my church, those guys who work at kiosks in the mall, a checkout girl at Wal-Mart and, occasionally, my girlfriend.

And I'm very much not gay, I can't make that clear enough. But for some reason, people still seem to think so, and I'm not sure why. In fact, I make a lot of efforts to appear more masculine.

For example, I always hang out with a guys I determine to be "more gay" than me. I feel like if I'm around them, people are likely to look at me as more "manly" and "tough."

Jordan told me he doesn't think that would work. He also said he was going to stop having lunch with me.

Need more proof that I'm not gay? Listen to the Bloodhound Gang song "I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks." They talk about how easy it is for gay guys to get women. I've never had any luck attracting women, and in fact I rarely even try, so that should prove how not-gay I am.

But nothing works. I wear a T-shirt that tells people "I'm not gay." Suddenly, my nickname is upgraded to "self-loathing gay."

I mean, I can see some of the reasons people might think that. I really am concerned that my computer bag looks like a purse, I do like to say "hit the mall" and I did hurt myself both times I tried to work out.

But I'm not ashamed of who I am. My coffee of choice will still be "The Pink Panther." I will always buy every movie that has Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I'm still going to listen to my Jonas Bros. CD while I drive to school. And none of that means I'm gay.

How do I make it clear? "I'm not not not not gay."

There. Nothing ambiguous about that.